Laughing like mad over the Fed Ex stories. Mine is a doozy: I ordered a computer, and the supplier shipped it by Fed Ex Next Day Air. After a week, I inquired as to where it might be. Supplier checked. Couldn’t get an answer. A week after that, I called the supplier again. The customer service woman called Fed Ex, who said the package had been delivered. I said, “Not here.” Customer Service lady, a very determined woman, said she would get to the bottom of it. The Fed Ex driver who claimed to have delivered it was supposed to call her that day. She called me the next AM. Said the driver was extremely unpleasant, but he explained that since he “couldn’t find the address on the package,” he had left the package on what he thought might be a neighbor’s porch. This was in a semi-rural part of Minnesota.
Customer service lady, still determined, said she was going to make the driver go to the address where he dropped off my computer, and get it back…and re-deliver to me. I gave explicit directions the first time, but apparently the driver was in no mood to follow them. During the third week after delivery was to have been made, the nice customer service lady called me one morning and said, in a tremulous voice, “Well, I won’t go into the details, but I can give you the phone number of the place where your computer was delivered. I spoke with the guy.” Silly me–I asked if he was going to bring the package over, we had to pick it up, or was Fed Ex going to pick it up and deliver it. Her voice was even more tremulous as she said, “Please listen carefully to me: Do not, under any circumstances, go to pick it up yourself, unless you have a police officer with you. I’m serious.” I laughed. She again said, “I’m serious. The man at that address said he had the computer, but if we expected him to give it up without ‘payment,’ we were crazy. He demanded to know where our customer service department was, and said he was a truck driver, and he would be in this area within a week, and if I would provide ‘the kind of service I want most,’ he might consider turning the computer over to the rightful owner. He scared the daylights out of me. This is one sick puppy. I’ll give you the phone number, but please, please, don’t go there alone! Do you understand me?”
I assured her that I would not. My husband and I did, however, get his address from a reverse directory, and drove past the house. It looked like both the Jukes and the Kallikaks lived there. It appeared that nobody was home. The next day my husband called the guy, told him we were going to pick up our computer. He asked how much we were willing to pay. My husband said, “I know you’re kidding, but just to be sure, I’ll bring along the sheriff.” The guy suddenly became accommodating. My husband drove over (alone) and the guy came out of the house. Pointed to an open box on the porch and said, “There it is. I still think I should get something for it.” Husband said, “I think so, too, but life is not fair.” The guy looked puzzled, then said, “Wanna see my new Harley?” He proceeded to show off his dazzling motorcycle. My husband was amused. The guy was covered with obscene tattoos and stank of cheap bourbon. He told the guy, “You know, you’d better watch yourself. Holding misdelivered packages for ransom–especially when the ransom is sexual favors–is frowned upon by the law.” The guy said, “It is?” Husband said, “You’re under investigation.” Guy looked at him in disbelief. Husband collected the computer and left.
When I told Fed Ex about all of this, they said, “But you got your computer, right?”