In order to avoid similar embarrassment, I’ve decided to take a proactive approach and issue a preemptive apology before anyone calls for my resignation:
Because I am a Christian I realize that I must take responsibility for any atrocities committed in the name of my faith. I therefore apologize for the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, Lutheranism, and Jimmy Swaggert.
I apologize for using overheated political rhetoric. Specifically, my referring to Adolph Hitler as a Nazi and for implying that Joseph Goebbels used ‘Hitlerian’ tactics to advance his party’s political agenda.
I apologize for being born a white American male. Even though it was my wish to be born a cocoa-skinned Ecuadorian girl, I still take full responsibility for the genetic hand that I was dealt.
I apologize for referring to stupid people as being “unintelligent.”
I apologize for constantly referring to the people of France as “cheese-eating surrender monkeys.”
I apologize to my brother for all the tricks I played on him that went horribly wrong. Even though the male nipple is not a body part necessary to live a full and productive life, I apologize for my role in what our family refers to as the ‘Jumper-Cable Incident.’ I’m also sorry for lying when I told him that since it was made of the same material as a lizard’s tail, the useless appendage would grow back in a matter of weeks.
I apologize for using the word nipple on my blog.
I apologize for having a prudish readership that would be offended by the word nipple.
I apologize for implying that my prissy readers might be “prudish.”
I apologize to all the dogs I have ever owned and regret blaming them for the smells that should have been credited to me.
I apologize for recycling old blog posts without noting that fact, leaving it to people to decide if it’s something new or if they really did read this drivel before.
I apologize for my annoying habit of always being right.
I apologize to those people who I told that Oprah Winfrey was my actual birth mother. I also apologize to the courts for failing to obey both the cease-and-desist letter and the restraining order sent from the lawyers at Harpo Productions.
I apologize for contributing to global warming and the ensuing calamites of droughts, hurricanes, and Al Gore documentaries.
I apologize to all the women at church who I refused to let speak to me unless they had their heads covered.
Although he lost the general election by 872 million votes, I apologize for my attempt to elect Michael Dukakis.
On behalf of the people of Texas, I apologize for both the Dixie Chicks and George W. Bush.
I apologize to O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, and Michael Jackson for repeatedly claiming, “Oh yeah, he’s guilty.”
On behalf of the United States of America, I apologize to both Mexico and Canada for failing to do our part in preventing your nations from becoming third-world countries.
I apologize to my wife for making her believe that my earnings potential would increase after we were married. I also apologize for any remarks that have offended her, especially those made during the recent ‘Jumper Cable Incident.’
If anyone I’ve maligned, insulted, lied about, slandered, embarrassed, libeled, injured, stalked, shot at, or given a dirty look to was offended by my words/behavior/presence then I would like to take this opportunity to express my most sincere and personal regret for your misunderstanding and overreaction.